My Own Worst Enemy

Yesterday was my first day over the flu. Congrats for me. Even so, I completely wasted yesterday. Didn’t do my half-hour of reading or half-hour of writing I’ve been trying to commit to doing each day, didn’t fill out any job applications, didn’t look up any small business information.

Now, to be completely honest, I really shouldn’t say that I completely wasted the day yesterday. I was able to chat with my mom for a bit, play video games with Little Sister…those are productive, valuable things, things that I wouldn’t be able to do if I were still working out in California. But even so, I can’t say that I feel good about the way that I used my time throughout the day. Though those small points in the day were quality, I spent a whole bunch of time Facebooking and otherwise throwing my day away (started playing Bingo Blitz, a game everyone should stay away from because it’s a tad addicting). I’ve only really been home 6 days now, and I’m already running into a pretty large brick wall.

This is a slightly different beast than I’ve encountered before, a subtle mix of procrastination and something else. I excel in procrastination; if I could receive a degree in procrastination I’d likely hold a double-doctorate and be writing theory books at Harvard right now. But it only somewhat feels like I have all the time in the world right now; even though I’m living at home and not paying for anything, I still feel the drive to get out there and make money, pay my student loans, and otherwise be productive in society. What’s really getting to me is this lack of direction.

Up until this point I’ve always had some sort of direction. High school pushed me into college which pushed me into my internship which pushed me into technical writing position which, in a sense, pushed me back home. But now I’m sitting here at home wondering exactly what I came back here to accomplish. Yes, I want to start my own small businesses and become financially independent, that’s pretty easy to say. But will I do what it takes to actually accomplish that goal? When I quit my job in California, I told myself that I was doing this so that I could take time at home for a couple months and really focus in on starting my projects, but now that I’m actually here, sans car and sans income, I can’t say I feel nearly as positive about the idea.

Today’s big issue is deciding exactly which direction I want to move. I’ve got plenty of projects I want to work on, but I’ve got no idea which one I want to start with. And to top all that off, I’ll need to start working somewhere to make money, or this is all going to get very old very quickly.

Getting a full-time job would give me the ability to make money and buy a car (something I definitely need to do soon), but it would cost me a lot of time. I also hate the idea of getting involved in a profession I don’t have a passion for, which could prove to be a little problematic. Staying unemployed gives me all the flexibility I want with my time, but deeply cuts into my ability to do, well, ANYTHING, since ANYTHING generally costs some sort of money. Working part-time would make sense, a nice median between the two, but what would I be able to take on that would give me enough money to pay my loans and other bills?

Oh, that’s right. I’ve got loans and such to pay. I guess unemployment really isn’t that viable an option.

Right now, I think the key is going to be mapping out the various projects and ideas I want to create, coming up with some potential income generators, and then actually getting started. I told a friend of mine that if you know you have a problem, know the source of the problem, and know what you need to do to take care of the problem, the solution is as simple as taking action. Probably need to take my own advice.


4 thoughts on “My Own Worst Enemy

  1. Josh,
    It’s totally normal to feel that way, you’re not alone. I still have no idea what I want to do, what I’m going to do, what it is I’m meant to do. I just recently decided to not go to grad school because of money (the lack of it in my bank account), and now I’m at that crossroads of what kind of job do I want. I don’t have a clue! But I’m just taking each day as they come. I say take this time you have to enjoy yourself. Do your writing, do your reading, spend time with your family. With that said, also as you said start mapping out your plans and the possibilities you have at your disposal. Take action, but don’t dwell on the inaction, because sometimes you just need to have those times of inaction.

    By the way, I’m glad you’re back in the Midwest! We missed ya!

    • Thanks for the support, Jenna. It’s still feeling pretty rough out here, but I’m really hoping to use this coming week a whole lot more effectively than the last one by doing exactly what you’re talking about. ::grins::

  2. I definitely empathize with a lot of your current issues: I need to work to pay my bills, etc., but I hate wasting valuable time in a boring job that has nothing to do with my degree or passions. It’s tough. So is actually sitting down and getting work done at home. Good luck with everything!

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